Ding dong, the witch is dead…..

….ok, not dead, but out of my day-to-day life at least, which is pretty fantastic.

So I’ll admit it. I’m a bad, unreliable blogger.

For the past couple of months, my own research has been going slower and slower, and then I hit the inevitable completely insurmountable brick-wall. Advisor A and I were barely communicating. Despite all the crap Ad A has been throwing my way over the past months, deep down I was hoping that everything would work out, that I wouldn’t really need to implement an escape plan.

But, in our last meeting together when I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling completely and utterly stuck, she told me that her role as an advisor was to ‘stand on the sidelines and occasionally cheer, not provide conceptual or content advice’. If I had more than one study idea, Advisor A suggested that I run them all, and work out which one was best on my own.

I walked out of her office, for the first time really knowing that I couldn’t go on anymore if she was going to remain my supervisor. I could try, wasting more time and money in the process, but ultimately I would never finish my dissertation. After that last meeting it felt like it was only a matter of time before her supervisory relationship with me completely broke down.

So, Boss returned and I started making appointments with the appropriate graduate coordinators, administrators and potential new supervisors.

Telling Advisor A that I no longer wanted to be her student was tough. I really had no idea how she would react to the news. I was half expecting her to yell and throw things (most likely at me), and I was sure that it would be a bitter and hostile end to a pretty shocking experience with her. As I knocked on her door, I felt almost queasy.

She had her head in her hands as I walked into her office, and was lamenting that she was having an absolutely horrible day (I should note that it was only 9:30am, which is a bit early to be making such statements, but that is beside the point). I had carefully chosen my words to try and make what I was saying as least confrontational and personal as possible. As the words were coming out of my mouth, I saw her complete demeanour change. She went from slouching to sitting up straight and her expression went from all twisty and angry to almost one of relief. At the end of my spiel, she actually smiled at me. I couldn’t believe it. Then she started talking, and admitted that her supervision of me had been much less that satisfactory, she wished me all the best, gave me a little pat on the shoulder and ushered me out of her office.

Out of all the scenarios, her behaving in a dignified and professional manner was not even close to what I imagined.

And now I’m free. And it feel like someone has taken off my blinkers, and things that were impossible two weeks ago are almost possible.

Boss asked me whether I could see myself doing work in his area of expertise, and offered to take me on. I was surprised and honoured.

So all in all, things are slowing falling into place. I now have to start again. Although Boss and Advisor A’s research interests do overlap to a certain extent, they come from theoretically distinct points of view. I’ve jumped fence into Boss’s camp, and as a result, am saying goodbye old plan and reading and reading and reading hoping to come up with something new. Starting again is not where I expected to be at this point in time, although the extra spring in my step and new found motivation both tell me that it was the right thing to do.

Dear Advisor A,

I understand that [my research field] group meetings between [Home uni] and [Rival Uni] have been going ahead for the last couple of months. I was unaware that these collaborative meetings were occurring and am concerned that you did not think to include me in these meeting. I believe that one of the outcomes of our meeting with [mediator] was that you would continue to provide me with networking opportunities, and links to the other research in my field going on at [Rival Uni]. Why was I not invited to these meetings?

Also, I realise that [Rival] has been having difficulty gaining approval to conduct her research with [special population], I trust that your request today for my successful application does not mean that you are passing along my application to her.

Regards,
psychphd

**************
As evidenced by the above email, which is merely the most recent problem in a long list of ongoing issues with Ad A, things are continuing to deteriorate. Although Boss has taken the place of Ad B (only after some intensive mediated meetings with Ad A, myself, the postgrad coordinator and of course a mediator), he is out of the country for 2 months, and as a result Ad A is back to her old tricks. The way I see it I either quit my PhD or quit Ad A. I can't imagine myself doing anything other than research. This is my passion, so although it's probably the harder option in the short run. I think I have to leave Ad A. Now if only Boss were in the country I would do it now, but with both him away, and the postgrad coordinator, I think I'll have to stick it out for a few more months. I wonder what Ad A will surprise me with next.

It's gotten to the point where I am no longer surprised by how she treats me. I am a hard worker, and I am committed to this research. I don't know why she is making this so difficult.

My very first rejection

Well, my very first paper has been rejected, although I am not really all that surprised. I was re-reading it the other day and thinking that Good General Journal would be foolish for giving it the 'revise and resubmit' stamp. It simply wasn’t good enough. All the issues that the reviewers suggested were lacking I had originally included and Advisor A removed out in her final, somewhat brutal, edit. This is the same paper that Ad A appropriated first authorship. Once I realised that my own work wouldn’t even have my name first, I decided to give up fighting for what I saw as crucial to the paper’s conceptual coherence.

Secretly, I feel vindicated that the paper was given the big fat brush off. Although my smug glow soon wore off when the reality hit. Now I will have to re-write the paper and Ad A will resubmit with her name still tauntingly first.

Although, I guess there is now no reason why I shouldn’t bring up the authorship issue again. But I have to balance it with the fact that I will have to work with this woman for many years to come. This is a moment when I have to take psycgirl’s advice and pick my battles, and the answers to the questions she logically asks all point to the fact that I probably should fight this one.

The friend zone

[but first a brief preface:
I've been a lazy blogger lately, although I have been writing potential posts in Word I can't publish them. I just kept pondering why I wanted to start this blog, and whether it is relevant, both to myself and any others who stumble across it.

And what is it that I want to write about – do I limit it to talk about grad school only, what about my meagre social life, should that be mentioned? But I realised I couldn’t really separate the two, especially as an increasing amount of my time is spent at uni (and the fact that the majority of my non uni friends have fled the country!). Then there is always the fear that I will be ‘outed’, which means that sometimes I can't be as honest as I would like.

But I find that there is something calming about writing a post and publishing it. Almost like a sensation that now what I have written is ‘out there’ it is no longer solely my own. I have admitted it, and shared it. And it most certainly feels different from simply writing it in a Word document and leaving it on my computer. So I will continue my infrequent postings…]

**************************

Advisor A and I, brought together by the Advisor B debacle, have slipped into something that has sent alarm bells screeching and sirens sounding ‘retreat retreat’ over again in my head. I think we are becoming….friends.

I know that this is a bad bad idea, and that it is a messy way to do a PhD if one is ‘friends’ with ones advisor. But like me, Ad A is relatively new, and I am her first PhD student. In fact, she finished her phd less that four years ago. I just have the feeling that we are both learning as we go along. Now I don’t know whether that is an advantage, in that she is relatively young, and open to new ideas, or whether it is a disadvantage because she has little experience in the role of supervisor, and hasn’t really got an established lab or research team. But I knew all this before, and her research specialty was exciting enough for me to outweigh these possible disadvantages.

But the fact that we have moved steadily away from a professional relationship and into what can only be termed the ‘friend zone’ is alarming me. I am fully aware that it is a fake friendship because there will always be a power differential but I feel that there is little I can do to reign the relationship in. I don’t feel I can exactly say to her ‘Ad A, as much as I am intrigued by your fiancé/mother/best friend, can we please get back to talking about my research’. She would be hurt, and then angry. I know, I’ve tried to steer her back on topic before – she didn’t reply to my emails for two weeks! Where does psychology find these intelligent yet precious academics?

The Descent

Just when I feel that I have my footing on this whole phd/research thing, the rug gets pulled out from under me. I presented my three year research plan at Rival’s Uni last week. Advisor A and B were there, as well as Rival and a cast of characters associated with my area of research. I thought my talk went well. Although I did feel that Advisor B asked a few too many difficult questions, and even one downright rude one, but at the time I was so intent on answering coherently I didn’t realise that it was probably inappropriate for him to grill his own student in front of the other members of staff.

Rival didn’t say much during the meeting, toward the end, however, when everything was winding up, she mentioned that she would like us to review her new protocol. We looked at it, and my stomach just dropped out. It was completely revamped from her initial programme, and now followed a pattern closely related to a major portion of my research plan. Now, the presentation that day was merely a formality; my research area was common knowledge at Rival’s Uni even months prior to the day’s meeting. Advisor A and I could hardly contain ourselves, and accusations began to fly across the room. I wasn’t sure if I was going to lose control and throw my book at Rival’s head or lose control and cry. It was horrible. I just felt ill. In the end I could see that we weren’t going to get anywhere, and suggested we reconvene the following week. As we were walking out I could hear Ad A sternly tell Ad B that there was no way her student was going to be able to continue in that line of research.

What a mess. I know that there is bound to be someone, somewhere, doing similar research to me, it is just inevitable. I don’t flatter myself that I am coming up with truly remarkable studies, but it is a different matter when that other person is at a close-by university and shares an Advisor with you.

Advisor A thinks it best to;
(a) relinquish aspects of my plan to Rival, and concentrate on a more focused area. Now in theory, this is fine and will probably result in a tighter thesis. But practically, I just want to scream out that Rival should do her own fricken research. I struggled to come up with that comprehensive plan for the next three years, and now I am basically being asked to split it with Rival. Can’t she do her own work for once?? Is that too much to ask?
(b) replace Advisor B as co-advisor with someone else, preferable Boss (if he’ll take me). This is an aspect that I am happy about actually, Advisor B wasn’t contributing to anything much to do with me, and by removing her from the equation, I am severely limiting the amount of help I will have to give to her students, which might mean that my work will remain my work (which in itself is a pretty novel concept at the moment)!

The problem is that I am so unmotivated to continue. And I’m worried because I haven’t done any work in the past days, I haven’t gone this long without so much as reading a paper in many many months. I was going to go in today and try and do a couple of hours, but I couldn’t muster the energy even to leave the house. I know the signs, and am experiencing an almost epic internal battle against the descent into bleakness. I’m almost too tired to fight it. Tomorrow will be the make or break day. If I manage to survive tomorrow and catch a new wave of motivation I think I’ll be alright.

Damn this is hard.

The nerve

I’m not quite sure how to vent the frustration I feel at the various academics I work with that claim to be committed to collaborative research but in reality use what they can from students without giving due credit. I know that this is a common complaint among grad students, and as I read the horror stories I always thought that it would never happen to me. But my naivety has well and truly worn off as I realise I am in the thick of it now with both Advisor A and Advisor B.

The prep I did last year, adapting a methodology, recruitment procedures, pilot studies, the whole thing was just handed over to Advisor B to be used by her students, specifically Rival, who is working on research in an area that is scarily similar to mine. An area that I first explored in my previous research. This is where the mask of collaboration really annoys. If Rival was providing a new perspective, or a new methodology then I would be accepting of the blatant appropriation of my work. But this is just not happening. Instead I find myself providing support to Rival at my own cost. I just can’t say no. Sadly, I feel completely powerless.