Anger, Frustration, Disappointment

On anger;
I feel unfathomable rage today. It is so powerful I feel it inside, a hot rod of anger just beneath my rib cage. I am surprised by the power of it all. I just want to scream, and shout and throw things. Instead I took a big breath, put my ipod on as loud as I could bare and went for a jog, uphill. The anger is passing, but its allies, in the form of frustration and deep-seated dissatisfaction, are still lingering, refusing to budge, clouding my vision and making me snap at my innocent flatmates.

My anger on the most part is directed at myself. Sometimes I get so sick and tired of being me, living constantly with my hang-ups. I just need to shake it off. I can see myself making life harder than it needs to be right now, I am just not quite sure how to settle.

On frustration;
I opened my inbox today to receive an email from a good journal saying that an article has been submitted with myself as co-author. Advisor A had submitted my work with herself as first author, before I could muster the confidence to confront her about it. I know for a fact it was wrong of her to do so. This is not an ambiguous situation where either one of us could have justifiably been first, it was very clear cut, my name should have been first. It was very visibly my work. In the end I know it was my choice to put off talking to her about it until it was too late. But I felt that it was better to keep the peace between us, than start bringing up authorship issues so soon in my phd. But the frustration I feel at the whole situation is still unfortunately very real, and for the time being refuses to shift. I will not have the opportunity to publish as first author again for a while. It would have been nice to have that paper, my baby, with my name first. Boss just keeps telling me to let it go, not to let this spoil things. I am trying, but I get so angry every time I think about it.

On disappointment;
I spent the day today at uni, I spent my whole Saturday sitting in an empty building, in front of a computer, alone. I did do work, and I have crossed many things off the long task-list, but it’s not enough. Somewhere along the way, just doing well is no longer enough. I never thought I would be in this situation, both the good and bad. Doing a phd at my relatively young age is exciting and I am grateful for the opportunities afforded me, but by my age I was hoping to have had other things too.

I worked hard to get where I am, I sacrificed things, but I also worked hard because it let me avoid all the things I didn’t want to think about. But now as I embark on another 4 years, I realise that uni is almost all I have. Which is why, I suppose, I invested so much drama into poor Boy. All of a sudden I realised that I had a chance for something different, new and exciting.

I feel stuck in a deep deep rut, and all I can say is that at least my research is going well, which is precisely the problem.

Infinity

I had a chat with Advisor A today about Advisor B (who is from a different department). For once I felt like she was on my side and my experience with academia has shown me how important that is, at least at my uni. In fact, she was pretty appalled by Ad B’s behaviour, and she said she didn’t realise how bad things with her had got. I just feel so relieved that we are on the same page, now I feel I can concentrate a little bit more on my research and a little less on the Machiavellian antics of the staff.

My restlessness and general sense of uneasiness has multiplied over the last two days, and I know the cause. I went on a date, against all my better judgement I let myself begin to contemplate a future where I wasn’t doing everything by myself, where I had someone to share things with.

I’ve watched my friends go in and out of good and bad relationships, while my life has been the stable one. Without the emotional turbulence of having a key someone else in my life, I felt all my problems to be either my own doing, or out of my control. After a messy break-up and a gruelling course-load, not having high expectations with respect to finding someone just seemed like a clever way to survive. But within a few days I have lost my finely tuned equilibrium, and I feel unsettled, both because I have no idea where this ‘relationship’ is heading and due to my surprisingly melodramatic approach to the whole situation. I’m supposed to be a level headed cynic and instead I am feeling wretched over almost nothing.

I need to get a grip, and fast.