The descent continues…

I’m trying desperately hard to roll with the punches but today was unfortunately the icing on the bitter cake I’ve been eating all year. The Boy and I are over. And the timing could not have been worse. He was the only thing at the moment that was keeping me sane, and forcing me to get out of bed in the mornings. The war between Advisor A and B and my thesis debacle didn’t faze me as much as it would have because I felt I had a secret weapon - someone to go out with and laugh about the absurdities of the psychology department, someone to go out to dinner with after another dreadful day at uni and tell me that it is not the end of the world.

I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know how much more I can take. I just want to scream out that this is so unfair. Boy was the one pursuing me, and I was the cautious one, aware of the very real chance that I would get hurt. But in the last week I felt enough was enough, time to just let go and go with the flow. And the sad thing is that I was really enjoying myself. For the first time in a long time my research wasn’t my only occupying thought. I felt excited at the fact that I could share things with someone, and even better, have someone share things with me. The whole relationship thing felt all at once attainable. It seems especially cruel that I got to have a tiny taste, and then have it all collapse around me. And I don’t want to have to say that I should have run when I had the chance.

My worst-case scenario situation is now, in all its melodrama, my reality. My thesis topic is back up in the air, after months of work, and to add insult to injury, just when I was starting to get excited about Boy, it too is over. The theme of my pity party is ‘why me, why now’.

The problem that now faces me is that I don’t want to go back to being the untouchable research machine that had no need for a life outside of university. Living like that was lonely, and the sacrifices too high. I’m going to need to dig deep to sort this all out, and not go back.

Run

I saw Boy again the other night, and despite my best efforts he found out something about me which I have been trying to keep secret for a very long time. And I’m scared because I am vulnerable and open to criticism, and at any point this can end and I’ll be right back to where I was. And now that I have had a brief window into what it is like with someone, I don’t think I can go back to doing everything alone. Way back in my undergrad days, I made a choice. I chose to focus on my work, sacrifice everything else, and become the best I could possibly be. I got to where I am today alone, without the support of any ‘significant’ other. Now that I could potentially have it, I am scared I won’t be able to cope anymore, once it inevitably fades out. I already feel I’m splitting my focus, I’m worried the only reason I have my edge is because my research is my one priority.

Hence the title; I want to put on my sneakers and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, before it is too late. I want to run and run and run. But I won’t be able to do that without regret, and I wasn’t happy before anyway. So I am stuck in a bind – open up to something new and scary that has every potential to hurt or continue the way I have been, hard working and alone. Right now, I want to run, back to the lab, back to my lit review, and back to control.

Infinity

I had a chat with Advisor A today about Advisor B (who is from a different department). For once I felt like she was on my side and my experience with academia has shown me how important that is, at least at my uni. In fact, she was pretty appalled by Ad B’s behaviour, and she said she didn’t realise how bad things with her had got. I just feel so relieved that we are on the same page, now I feel I can concentrate a little bit more on my research and a little less on the Machiavellian antics of the staff.

My restlessness and general sense of uneasiness has multiplied over the last two days, and I know the cause. I went on a date, against all my better judgement I let myself begin to contemplate a future where I wasn’t doing everything by myself, where I had someone to share things with.

I’ve watched my friends go in and out of good and bad relationships, while my life has been the stable one. Without the emotional turbulence of having a key someone else in my life, I felt all my problems to be either my own doing, or out of my control. After a messy break-up and a gruelling course-load, not having high expectations with respect to finding someone just seemed like a clever way to survive. But within a few days I have lost my finely tuned equilibrium, and I feel unsettled, both because I have no idea where this ‘relationship’ is heading and due to my surprisingly melodramatic approach to the whole situation. I’m supposed to be a level headed cynic and instead I am feeling wretched over almost nothing.

I need to get a grip, and fast.