Run

I saw Boy again the other night, and despite my best efforts he found out something about me which I have been trying to keep secret for a very long time. And I’m scared because I am vulnerable and open to criticism, and at any point this can end and I’ll be right back to where I was. And now that I have had a brief window into what it is like with someone, I don’t think I can go back to doing everything alone. Way back in my undergrad days, I made a choice. I chose to focus on my work, sacrifice everything else, and become the best I could possibly be. I got to where I am today alone, without the support of any ‘significant’ other. Now that I could potentially have it, I am scared I won’t be able to cope anymore, once it inevitably fades out. I already feel I’m splitting my focus, I’m worried the only reason I have my edge is because my research is my one priority.

Hence the title; I want to put on my sneakers and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, before it is too late. I want to run and run and run. But I won’t be able to do that without regret, and I wasn’t happy before anyway. So I am stuck in a bind – open up to something new and scary that has every potential to hurt or continue the way I have been, hard working and alone. Right now, I want to run, back to the lab, back to my lit review, and back to control.