Infinity

I had a chat with Advisor A today about Advisor B (who is from a different department). For once I felt like she was on my side and my experience with academia has shown me how important that is, at least at my uni. In fact, she was pretty appalled by Ad B’s behaviour, and she said she didn’t realise how bad things with her had got. I just feel so relieved that we are on the same page, now I feel I can concentrate a little bit more on my research and a little less on the Machiavellian antics of the staff.

My restlessness and general sense of uneasiness has multiplied over the last two days, and I know the cause. I went on a date, against all my better judgement I let myself begin to contemplate a future where I wasn’t doing everything by myself, where I had someone to share things with.

I’ve watched my friends go in and out of good and bad relationships, while my life has been the stable one. Without the emotional turbulence of having a key someone else in my life, I felt all my problems to be either my own doing, or out of my control. After a messy break-up and a gruelling course-load, not having high expectations with respect to finding someone just seemed like a clever way to survive. But within a few days I have lost my finely tuned equilibrium, and I feel unsettled, both because I have no idea where this ‘relationship’ is heading and due to my surprisingly melodramatic approach to the whole situation. I’m supposed to be a level headed cynic and instead I am feeling wretched over almost nothing.

I need to get a grip, and fast.