The Descent

Just when I feel that I have my footing on this whole phd/research thing, the rug gets pulled out from under me. I presented my three year research plan at Rival’s Uni last week. Advisor A and B were there, as well as Rival and a cast of characters associated with my area of research. I thought my talk went well. Although I did feel that Advisor B asked a few too many difficult questions, and even one downright rude one, but at the time I was so intent on answering coherently I didn’t realise that it was probably inappropriate for him to grill his own student in front of the other members of staff.

Rival didn’t say much during the meeting, toward the end, however, when everything was winding up, she mentioned that she would like us to review her new protocol. We looked at it, and my stomach just dropped out. It was completely revamped from her initial programme, and now followed a pattern closely related to a major portion of my research plan. Now, the presentation that day was merely a formality; my research area was common knowledge at Rival’s Uni even months prior to the day’s meeting. Advisor A and I could hardly contain ourselves, and accusations began to fly across the room. I wasn’t sure if I was going to lose control and throw my book at Rival’s head or lose control and cry. It was horrible. I just felt ill. In the end I could see that we weren’t going to get anywhere, and suggested we reconvene the following week. As we were walking out I could hear Ad A sternly tell Ad B that there was no way her student was going to be able to continue in that line of research.

What a mess. I know that there is bound to be someone, somewhere, doing similar research to me, it is just inevitable. I don’t flatter myself that I am coming up with truly remarkable studies, but it is a different matter when that other person is at a close-by university and shares an Advisor with you.

Advisor A thinks it best to;
(a) relinquish aspects of my plan to Rival, and concentrate on a more focused area. Now in theory, this is fine and will probably result in a tighter thesis. But practically, I just want to scream out that Rival should do her own fricken research. I struggled to come up with that comprehensive plan for the next three years, and now I am basically being asked to split it with Rival. Can’t she do her own work for once?? Is that too much to ask?
(b) replace Advisor B as co-advisor with someone else, preferable Boss (if he’ll take me). This is an aspect that I am happy about actually, Advisor B wasn’t contributing to anything much to do with me, and by removing her from the equation, I am severely limiting the amount of help I will have to give to her students, which might mean that my work will remain my work (which in itself is a pretty novel concept at the moment)!

The problem is that I am so unmotivated to continue. And I’m worried because I haven’t done any work in the past days, I haven’t gone this long without so much as reading a paper in many many months. I was going to go in today and try and do a couple of hours, but I couldn’t muster the energy even to leave the house. I know the signs, and am experiencing an almost epic internal battle against the descent into bleakness. I’m almost too tired to fight it. Tomorrow will be the make or break day. If I manage to survive tomorrow and catch a new wave of motivation I think I’ll be alright.

Damn this is hard.