I’m trying desperately hard to roll with the punches but today was unfortunately the icing on the bitter cake I’ve been eating all year. The Boy and I are over. And the timing could not have been worse. He was the only thing at the moment that was keeping me sane, and forcing me to get out of bed in the mornings. The war between Advisor A and B and my thesis debacle didn’t faze me as much as it would have because I felt I had a secret weapon - someone to go out with and laugh about the absurdities of the psychology department, someone to go out to dinner with after another dreadful day at uni and tell me that it is not the end of the world.
I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know how much more I can take. I just want to scream out that this is so unfair. Boy was the one pursuing me, and I was the cautious one, aware of the very real chance that I would get hurt. But in the last week I felt enough was enough, time to just let go and go with the flow. And the sad thing is that I was really enjoying myself. For the first time in a long time my research wasn’t my only occupying thought. I felt excited at the fact that I could share things with someone, and even better, have someone share things with me. The whole relationship thing felt all at once attainable. It seems especially cruel that I got to have a tiny taste, and then have it all collapse around me. And I don’t want to have to say that I should have run when I had the chance.
My worst-case scenario situation is now, in all its melodrama, my reality. My thesis topic is back up in the air, after months of work, and to add insult to injury, just when I was starting to get excited about Boy, it too is over. The theme of my pity party is ‘why me, why now’.
The problem that now faces me is that I don’t want to go back to being the untouchable research machine that had no need for a life outside of university. Living like that was lonely, and the sacrifices too high. I’m going to need to dig deep to sort this all out, and not go back.
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2 comments:
Well, hell. I found myself in a deep, dark hole several months ago. The loss of a relationship - even one you weren't always sure you wanted - can be terribly difficult. In my case, I needed the happiness and distractions from the man in whom I was interested, and when he ended things, I was completely lost. Betrayals of trust and hope - both professional and personal and located so closely together - are awful and unfair.
I'm so, so sorry. You can get through this, but I very much regret that you have such circumstances to overcome. I do think the exploration of what you want and how to get it is brave when you're feeling low.
I've been there. It sucks. I'm sorry. I very much hope life starts to look better soon.
I'm very sorry too.
It is one of the hardest things to have your personal and professional life fall apart at once.
I know that every one's experiences are different, and that I certainly didn't have all these weird double crossings in my research, but I ended a very long-term relationship the same semester as my MA was due-- it really felt like both sides of my life were crumbling.
However, throwing myself into my work really helped me at the time to get through some of the more immediate stuff, and I was able to hold off on too much deep ruminations until I had more time and had healed a little.
Take care.
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