My internet connection was down today and, as it was a Saturday, there were no tech staff to help out. As a result I did a great amount of work in a relatively short amount of time. I should consider disconnecting my internet more often.

Run

I saw Boy again the other night, and despite my best efforts he found out something about me which I have been trying to keep secret for a very long time. And I’m scared because I am vulnerable and open to criticism, and at any point this can end and I’ll be right back to where I was. And now that I have had a brief window into what it is like with someone, I don’t think I can go back to doing everything alone. Way back in my undergrad days, I made a choice. I chose to focus on my work, sacrifice everything else, and become the best I could possibly be. I got to where I am today alone, without the support of any ‘significant’ other. Now that I could potentially have it, I am scared I won’t be able to cope anymore, once it inevitably fades out. I already feel I’m splitting my focus, I’m worried the only reason I have my edge is because my research is my one priority.

Hence the title; I want to put on my sneakers and run as fast as I can in the opposite direction, before it is too late. I want to run and run and run. But I won’t be able to do that without regret, and I wasn’t happy before anyway. So I am stuck in a bind – open up to something new and scary that has every potential to hurt or continue the way I have been, hard working and alone. Right now, I want to run, back to the lab, back to my lit review, and back to control.

Directions

My Boss gave me some sage advice a few months ago, he said to me to be careful of becoming a ‘mini Advisor A’. At the time I didn’t really understand the warning. But I can see, now that I am a tiny bit further down the track, how easy it is to just follow in your advisor’s footsteps, using measures, paradigms and analyses that they have been using for many years before. I don’t want to tread the same worn path as Advisor A, but with time (and recruitment) restraints, I have had to acquiesce, for now, to her forceful nudge in the direction she feels most comfortable with. When I told Boss of this outcome, he just chuckled knowingly and said there was plenty more time to develop my research in a different direction later on. I just feel like a little bit of a cop out.

Old Friends

I meet up with an old friend today. We did many undergraduate courses together, but in our final year the competition and interdependence between us had become too intense and I felt I had no other choice but to distance myself from her – and as a result be forced to stand on my own two feet. I had a great year meeting new people, but I know that she struggled a bit, and I did feel guilty about that. But there was no way that I could have continued the friendship with her at that time.

Seeing her today went much better than I expected. Although, I have seen her in the last year, things were strained between us at best and obviously uncomfortable at worst. Today, however, was different. I felt we both presented ourselves as we are, there was no pretence and no undercurrent of competition that was such an big part of our friendship before. I felt as though we both finally saw the other for who we were today and not what we had been through in the last ten years of friendship. It was really nice, I enjoyed her company. Our issues with life have always seemed to mirror each others, and today was no exception and we had an raw and honest conversation and appraisal of our current situation. It was refreshing to spend time with someone that knows my past, but whose view of me wasn’t too clouded by it. All in all, seeing her again was a lovely end to an otherwise rainy and boring day.

Anger, Frustration, Disappointment

On anger;
I feel unfathomable rage today. It is so powerful I feel it inside, a hot rod of anger just beneath my rib cage. I am surprised by the power of it all. I just want to scream, and shout and throw things. Instead I took a big breath, put my ipod on as loud as I could bare and went for a jog, uphill. The anger is passing, but its allies, in the form of frustration and deep-seated dissatisfaction, are still lingering, refusing to budge, clouding my vision and making me snap at my innocent flatmates.

My anger on the most part is directed at myself. Sometimes I get so sick and tired of being me, living constantly with my hang-ups. I just need to shake it off. I can see myself making life harder than it needs to be right now, I am just not quite sure how to settle.

On frustration;
I opened my inbox today to receive an email from a good journal saying that an article has been submitted with myself as co-author. Advisor A had submitted my work with herself as first author, before I could muster the confidence to confront her about it. I know for a fact it was wrong of her to do so. This is not an ambiguous situation where either one of us could have justifiably been first, it was very clear cut, my name should have been first. It was very visibly my work. In the end I know it was my choice to put off talking to her about it until it was too late. But I felt that it was better to keep the peace between us, than start bringing up authorship issues so soon in my phd. But the frustration I feel at the whole situation is still unfortunately very real, and for the time being refuses to shift. I will not have the opportunity to publish as first author again for a while. It would have been nice to have that paper, my baby, with my name first. Boss just keeps telling me to let it go, not to let this spoil things. I am trying, but I get so angry every time I think about it.

On disappointment;
I spent the day today at uni, I spent my whole Saturday sitting in an empty building, in front of a computer, alone. I did do work, and I have crossed many things off the long task-list, but it’s not enough. Somewhere along the way, just doing well is no longer enough. I never thought I would be in this situation, both the good and bad. Doing a phd at my relatively young age is exciting and I am grateful for the opportunities afforded me, but by my age I was hoping to have had other things too.

I worked hard to get where I am, I sacrificed things, but I also worked hard because it let me avoid all the things I didn’t want to think about. But now as I embark on another 4 years, I realise that uni is almost all I have. Which is why, I suppose, I invested so much drama into poor Boy. All of a sudden I realised that I had a chance for something different, new and exciting.

I feel stuck in a deep deep rut, and all I can say is that at least my research is going well, which is precisely the problem.

Infinity

I had a chat with Advisor A today about Advisor B (who is from a different department). For once I felt like she was on my side and my experience with academia has shown me how important that is, at least at my uni. In fact, she was pretty appalled by Ad B’s behaviour, and she said she didn’t realise how bad things with her had got. I just feel so relieved that we are on the same page, now I feel I can concentrate a little bit more on my research and a little less on the Machiavellian antics of the staff.

My restlessness and general sense of uneasiness has multiplied over the last two days, and I know the cause. I went on a date, against all my better judgement I let myself begin to contemplate a future where I wasn’t doing everything by myself, where I had someone to share things with.

I’ve watched my friends go in and out of good and bad relationships, while my life has been the stable one. Without the emotional turbulence of having a key someone else in my life, I felt all my problems to be either my own doing, or out of my control. After a messy break-up and a gruelling course-load, not having high expectations with respect to finding someone just seemed like a clever way to survive. But within a few days I have lost my finely tuned equilibrium, and I feel unsettled, both because I have no idea where this ‘relationship’ is heading and due to my surprisingly melodramatic approach to the whole situation. I’m supposed to be a level headed cynic and instead I am feeling wretched over almost nothing.

I need to get a grip, and fast.

Unfocused jitters

I've been feeling uncomfortably restless for the last few days, and I can't quite pin-point why. I’ve never been good with change. I like to have everything planned out in my head. I guess things have just been really different lately.

After my productive Friday, I hit a definite lull in efficiency (to put it mildly). I had an extra few hours today, with last minute cancelled meetings, and I just couldn't focus. When I found myself drifting in and out of my office-mate’s conversation to their real estate agent, I gave up and went home. It’s been a sluggish day. I have good intentions, but I just can’t translate that to actual advances. Advisor A is not the type of person to give direction and support, which leaves me feeling a little aimless. Although, if I am realistic about what I expected the first few months to be, I knew that I would struggle with the structured-less-ness of it all. When (if) I have my great!idea and a from that a detailed research plan, I hope things start to get a little easier.

In more positive news, my abstract was accepted to be presented at a conference. My very first one. I am torn between excitement and blind fear.

Welcome productivity, please stay

I finally feel like I had a productive day. It has taken me a lot longer than I thought to get back into the swing of things. I feel quite capable of devoting hours of effort to solve Boss’s questions, but when it comes to my own research I have no trouble putting it to one side. But finally today I spent many many hours at uni, in my office, working hard. And it felt really good, I had a sense of accomplishment as I walked out to go home that I don’t feel after a good day working for Boss. Now I remember why I am doing this. But juggling other people's work with my own is going to be a recurring theme for me I think.

I just don't know the rules yet; What can a grad student reasonably demand from their advisor? Can a grad student reasonably say no to the requests of other academics? Is it just plain stupid to help a fellow grad student whose research program is in an area identical to ones own, or is it just good manners? Is it common for an advisor to take first name authorship of a students work? I need a manual for bamboozled new research students.

The nerve

I’m not quite sure how to vent the frustration I feel at the various academics I work with that claim to be committed to collaborative research but in reality use what they can from students without giving due credit. I know that this is a common complaint among grad students, and as I read the horror stories I always thought that it would never happen to me. But my naivety has well and truly worn off as I realise I am in the thick of it now with both Advisor A and Advisor B.

The prep I did last year, adapting a methodology, recruitment procedures, pilot studies, the whole thing was just handed over to Advisor B to be used by her students, specifically Rival, who is working on research in an area that is scarily similar to mine. An area that I first explored in my previous research. This is where the mask of collaboration really annoys. If Rival was providing a new perspective, or a new methodology then I would be accepting of the blatant appropriation of my work. But this is just not happening. Instead I find myself providing support to Rival at my own cost. I just can’t say no. Sadly, I feel completely powerless.

The beginning...

I have been dithering about writing a blog for too long, and today just seemed like the right time to start. I should be busy trying to begin the long haul that will be my phd research, but seriously, how do you even begin to pace yourself for what is going to be years and years of work? The analogy from psycgirl about grad school being 'a marathon, not a sprint' makes me think that I am still in the stretching phase, still getting limbered up, I haven't even begun the race.